| As mentioned before, I have revisited the topic of affection and sex. In my personal experience, I have found that I can't stand when guys attempt to kiss me or cuddle or caress the curve of my body or show affection whatsoever. Unless I'm actually interested in the person mentally/relationship wise, showing affection means NOTHING and it irritates me. That's the gist of my past blog. Last night, while speaking to a friend, I mentioned and ranted about this and I exposed myself (mentally) to him in a manner that is unusual in how I usually handle this type of situation with someone. Like usual, I stated my opinion and feelings...but I did it so openly, with emotion...even if he didn't realize it (as it was over AIM), I was becoming deeply emotional about my thoughts...something that I don't usually do externally. Usually, I say (and think) things in a very matter-of-fact way. It is what it is, so I state things very nonchalantly, mentally analyzing and synthesizing the situation in my mind. I'm usually able to state such 'serious' matters without flinching or becoming emotional because I'm able to analyze my thoughts in a manner that allows me to think about simply their state of being, as opposed to sentient emotion (wow, that sounded Buddha-like). It's almost like being cold-hearted, but those who know me know that I'm a very affectionate, caring person. After I explained to him how I felt, he mentioned that he feels exactly the same way. But I've never known him to be that type of person. I know he sleeps around a lot, but I never thought him to feel such a connection with affectionate acts (most whore-y people don't). I'm still unsure whether he practices it, or just agrees with it. It was peculiar how he then laid himself out to me for judgement, but never once did I think that our specific circumstances were identical. Granted I didn't ask why he thinks he's such a whore and addicted to sex, but he didn't ask why I was either, so I decided let it be for another day. When he mentioned certain things, I said things like "That's discomforting" or "That's comforting"...but I don't think he understood that it wasn't the fact that was (dis)comforting, it was the implications it had about myself that was. Even still, I was a little offended by the mannerism in which he spoke about the situation. I know that it was over AIM, so nothing is truly accurate, but I felt that he simply had no willpower and and couldn't contain himself in sexual situations. My case is still mostly the same as his, but at least I have analyzed myself enough to know why I am so sexually open and many times irresponsible. We once conversed on the topic of sex with each other. He doesn't live near, but comes to visit the area often. After our last conversation (before the one I'm currently talking about) he said that he wouldn't have sex with me. It was strange to hear that (as I don't hear that often at all) and it almost offended me. I'm still unsure of whether or not I am offended by it. Near the end of our conversation on whore-iness, I decided to ask him why he wouldn't have sex with me (afterall, he did just admit that he was so sexually irresponsible and has messed around with a very large number of people). We've talked sexually in the past (moreso just playing around), but it upset me that he wouldn't mess with me in real life. It became more of a self-esteem issue in which I thought that he didn't think I was attractive or he thought that I might be dirty... Anyway, he told me that he would rather not have sex with me, not because he didn't find me attractive, but that he would like to only stay friends with me. He explained that he becomes upset every time he does it. Granted, I understand completely what his feelings are, but it still upsets me. I know that it's better that we don't ever have sex, because it may easily spoil the friendship we have. Not so much that one of us might become upset about the other's sexual activity, but that the fact that we're no longer JUST friends after sex...he wants to reserve a friendship for frienship...this usually happens when the person is AWESOME, so he doesn't want to mess it up....which is usually the true explanation so I'm going to stick with that! haha. I think that maybe it upsets me and that I'm not sure to be offended or not because I feel he may not see me as the type of person that can withstand such a relationship...as if he sees me like all the other guys. It bothers me....but it really shouldn't...but it does... |
